Hello, my name is:

I'm a cliché.

There, I said it. After years of trying futilely to dig up random nuances that would prove that I'm a unique little star, a marbled grain of sand among billions of uniform specks, I've recognized it–I'm a cliché.

Yeah, so I thought I was pretty cool, with my little imagination and identity crises and "I'm totally not like other girls" attitude. Eventually my brain started yearning for a return; it was shouting at me, "hey, who the hell do you think you are, throwing me out and replacing me with some wannabe?"

I'm that girl who pretends not to be a romantic, but secretly yearns for the fireworks and explosive passions of angsty 90s dramas. I'm that girl with an inflated ego, but sporting a crushingly massive inferiority complex. I'm that girl who can be pushed over the edge, to near-tears, with a couple of emotional phrases. I'm that girl who thinks she's the best listener in the world "because I'm an introvert". I'm that girl who says "okay" listlessly but doesn't do. I'm that girl who thinks she can fix what's been broken beyond repair. I'm that girl who's "lost".

Or–I was?

Ha, nah, I still am. My brain wants to come back, sure, but here's the thing about me and pretty much everyone else (because I'm a cliché, there are others like me, right?)–we hear the logic. Oh yeah, we can hear it banging and clanging away from the outskirts of our extremely thick skulls. But we love to ignore. If there's something we're–I'm–truly, genuinely good at doing, it's ignoring. Willfully.

The only thing remotely special about me is that I've somehow mastered the art of balancing the ratio of milk to cereal. That's pretty fucking awesome, if I do say so myself.

Which obviously I just did, because this whole thing is about myself. Here I am, talking about myself like a self-absorbed brat masquerading as a thoughtful, introspective soul with the wisdom garnered from aging, teenage years. What a cliché, right?

The Strop

We are in a strop.
I don't care what you say
For it is what it is.

We are in a strop.
The bitterness of words left unspoken
Sit rancid on my tongue.

When our eyes meet
It's a tacit statement of everything we don't say
We just can't be the way we were.

As soon as I
See you, I think
Repulsion resentment regret

When you see me
I see it
Apprehension ambivalence aggravation.

We are not
We were never
A perfect unit, everlasting, connection.

I despise you.
I tell myself that every spare moment
Coaching my errant brain

Only way to cope
With the stagnant pull between us
Is to hate and hate more, to insert something anything--

Did you know?
History does repeat itself.
How many times has it been?

Once, twice, thrice--oh, third time's the charm
This time
It will be to break for good.

Inevitable
We fooled ourselves into thinking
We could bridge the distance, the distance that always was

Because
I thought the distance was the temporal
But it's the connection that proves ephemeral.

We could never stick
Like half-dried glue on styrofoam
We always peel apart.

And it's not that we are in a strop
We are the strop.

You
Me

It's not you me

It will always be

You                                                                                                                   Me

The Ultimate Show of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

I randomly found this while surfing the Internet the other day, and man is this a gem! I normally make it a point to avoid passive-aggressive behavior at all costs, but this is actually amazing. It's "How to Wait Out Your Friend's Boyfriend." Look ahead for serious larfs. 

1. Act blandly surprised whenever she asks if she can bring him to an event, no matter how long they’ve been together. “Oh, Dave’s coming too? Sure, that’s fine.”

2. Suggest Sleeping With The Devil for movie night.

3. Learn exactly one thing about him; make that the subject of conversation whenever you see him. It will not be necessary to learn two things.

4. Always grab the bill before he does.

5. Whisper “I will bury you” into his ear while he pours you wine.

6. Behave so irreproachably that no one will ever believe him.

7. Suggest Sleeping With The Enemy for movie night.

8. “I think it’s really important for a man to recognize how magnificent you are, Meredith. I’m glad you think Steve sees that in you.”

9. Never get his job title quite correct. If he’s an Associate Something, call him an Assistant Something. If he tries to correct you, he’ll seem both petty and vain for making sure you get it right.

10. Avoid criticizing him at all costs, but if you must, put the words “It’s endearing how” before your criticism so he takes it as a compliment and the seeds of doubt are planted carefully in her mind. “Something I really like about Greg is [subtly horrifying trait.]”

11. Bring up topics that only you and she know a great deal about, so that he’ll be forced to say something ignorant in order to stay in the conversation.

12. Make sure you tell her how much you like him in front of him, so that he never suspects.

13. “He has great energy. I love how whenever I run into him at he’s in the center of a little clump of women, just regaling them with stories.”

14. Suggest Fried Green Tomatoes for movie night.

15. Steal something small but significant from her apartment every time the three of you are there together, but never when it’s just you and her, so that when she starts to piece together a pattern, she’ll ask you instead of him to fill in the blanks. Also, leave the toilet seat up.

16. Say “I love how you ALWAYS have a Groupon, you’re like Suze Orman! But…I know Rachel really wants to go to [better restaurant], let me treat you.”

17. At her birthday party, immediately after everyone has finished shout-singing “Happy Birthday”: “I think it would be great if we went around the room, and all of us said something we truly love about Annie.” Then deliver a touching, self-effacing tribute to Annie that will leave her in tears. Kick him savagely under the table as he starts his, while smiling warmly at him.

18. Always respond instantly to her texts. Delete hers from his phone if left unattended.

19. “Find” an OkCupid account that has a picture of him she took after they started dating. He’s in “a complicated relationship,” he just wants to meet “friends and activity partners” and to have someone to talk to about life.

20. Suggest Waiting To Exhale for movie night.

21. “Arthur seems to be really open with his friends about your relationship. I guess that’s refreshing in a man, to share the ups and downs.”

22. Always invite the friend of his she likes the least whenever you all get together. Point out their similarities.

23. Kill her dog when you know he’ll be out of town so he can’t be there to support her during the most painful time in her life. Be there for her every step of the way.

24. “Isn’t it wonderful how, when you meet the right person, there is never again a single moment of doubt or questioning? You literally never wonder if there could be another person out there, better suited to you.”

25. Suggest Thelma and Louise for movie night.

26. The next time he leaves his phone unattended, rename two of his contacts Blonde Afternoons and Redhead Yoga Girl.

27. Point out how much other people have noticed that the two of them look like brother and sister. “I didn’t see it at first, but now I can’t stop noticing it! You guys even wear the same size jeans!”

28. Encourage him whenever he suggests an outing she’ll hate.

29. Wait until he’s drunk or sulky, and say, “Isn’t it amazing to think that we’ll all be parents in a few years?”

30. Put a box of tampons that are neither your brand nor hers at the very back of the space under his bathroom sink, opened, and with two-thirds of the contents missing. If she ever brings them up, say “don’t worry, I’m sure lots of guys keep a box of tampons around for guests.”

Original link: http://the-toast.net/2014/05/27/wait-out-your-friends-boyfriend/ 

*If you visit the original article page, be sure to check out the tags!

Unfeel

I have taught myself to not feel.

It's like holding a breath–
practice makes perfect–
little by little, you keep going
stronger
longer–

I recite lines in my head.
I compose them. Pretty soon
seconds, agonizing before, tick by as
unfazed numbers
meaningless, without production.

Like lines on the wall
I blend
not too much that I'm noticeably invisible
only so much that I just am.

I'm here. But not.
You'll see me, but you won't really.
But it's okay because
at least I'm here
and
that's what you see.

What you think you see.
We see what we want to.

No one wants to stop
but it's okay
because I don't want you to.

The art of unfeeling, of rewinding, of erasing
is like holding a breath.
And I keep going
increasing–well,
it's decreasing, isn't it–
till

there's no more breath to hold

Inspiration: Habits by Tove Lo

Current Favorites!

Nars Sheer Glow

Need I say more? This foundation is literally perfect. It's just beautiful. 

Mac Mineralize Skinfinish 

I HAVE A SKINFINISH!!! You have no idea how proud of myself I am. I have one. I'm so accomplished. Now I have to get my hands on one of those fancy highlighter/blush shades... Hm. Anyway, this gorgeous product is smooth and wondrous and lovely. It does not cake (my first powder!) and it applies really, really easier with a big brush.

Mac Fix +

This smells really good. And feels even better. Actually, it's a close call. I have dry skin, so I love how this diffuses any potential caking issues (no one likes..clumpy makeup. Gross.). I also adore the lock on the nozzle. So genius.

Divergent Sephora Collection

This was literally the best valued makeup set ever. Look at how much stuff there is!! SO MUCH STUFF. And it's good stuff too! Everything is well pigmented and packaged beautifully. The brush is not bad either, a dual-ended contour/blush brush and fluffy eye brush. I love the color combos, and the cheek palette is pretty wonderful. Who cares if you don't read the books, or enjoy them, or whatever–get this set. It's freaking amazing. 

Urban Decay Naked Palette 1

Think this well-loved, gushed-over, hyped-up product is overrated? Please. Don't even go there. This is well worth the fan following. Every single shadow is buttery and beautiful, rich and pigmented, and oh my my my I swoon just looking at it. I touch it, I die. I apply it... well, I'm dead so why are we even going there, right? I jumped on the bandwagon way late, but better late than never! This is beautiful, and it looks like a chocolate bar! Mmm. 

GET THE NAKED PALETTE.

Elizabeth and James Nirvana White

My favorite scent. Ever. I think this even beats out Versace's old Ethereal perfume, and I adored that scent. Perfumes are very personal purchases, so I'm not going to push this one; but, I love it and I think it suits me very well. It wears well and soothes me immediately. 

American Horror Story: Murder House

This may possibly be the best show I have ever watched. I went through the first season in a matter of days, it was so good. I never thought I was one to love horror, though, to be fair, American Horror Story: Murder House translates more as psychological thriller than horror. The story is brilliant and the filming is genius. The artistry and craftiness of the show really shines through, and I seriously tip my hat off to Brad Falchuck and Ryan Murphy. I need to summon up the courage to watch season 2 (Asylum), because I know that that is some dark, scary shit, but I'll get there... eventually.

Essie Resort Fling

This polish is sooooo beautiful... I could wear it all year. I love it. And the formulation is very nice! I've always enjoyed Essie's aesthetics in general, and Resort Fling takes the prize for sure. 

Bastille

My favorite band. It's been decided–they're my favorite. 

Some Updates

I haven't posted for ages and I probably shouldn't be posting now, considering I have two finals tomorrow (lol what is school), but I felt a sudden urge to do something so here I am! Some fun facts:

1. I found out I really, really like Washington D.C. I have no idea why. I just do. 
2. On that topic, the five days I spent there with our fuck-awesome (excuse the language) history bowl team (2nd in the nation baby) were the best five days I've had for a long time. Never mind I didn't have any close friends on the team; I still had a rockin' good time which is a sign of both excellent company and fantastic scenery. 
3. Yeah we're still on the same topic. I have a painting recommendation: "Joshua Commanding the Sun to Stand on Gideon" by John Martin. So amazing and epic. I love it. 
4. The Vietnam War Memorial is... wow. Just wow. So is the FDR Memorial. And the MLK Jr. Memorial. Yeah.
5. Moving on... Prom-a-drama is so ridiculously stupid. It's stupid mainly in the fact that it's so stressful lol. Like why. Why is it stressful. This so isn't the end of the world. Or nirvana. Whatever.
6. Getting asked out by a random guy sometimes isn't flattering–it's just uncomfortable. Tip for y'all, obvious though it may be: make sure you're the one with the number. Keep hold of the reins. Call at your own will, or risk hahaha.
7. Peter Cooper (??? right?!) was apparently a pretty important dude in U.S. history. He had fairly epic facial hair too. 
8. Sometimes, there are certain people who look incredibly similar to specific animals. And sometimes, it's best to keep that information to yourself so that you don't set off a hysterical chain of events that involves horrible puns and fits of giggles. 
9. Ignorance is bliss. Really.
10. You gotta pick and choose your battles. You win some, you lose some. A massive part of life is knowing when to let go. It's like that aphoristic prayer–God grant me the courage to change what I can, the serenity to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference (or something along those lines). You have to know what's the priority, what's worth salvaging. I'm still working on it, but I think I'm starting to get there. It's a major struggle, but whoever said anything in life was ever easy? Life is a climb, but the view is great. Yeah. I just quoted Hannah Montana. Fight me. 

Peace out. I'll be back sometime. Ha.

everything.

they leave me for dead.

There is a boy who has taken everything from me, 

laid me bare, shown me to the world for who i am, allowed me to rebuild myself, 

and then torn me back down again. 

he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. 

i do everything for him and i love him i love him 

i love him 

so much and 

i don’t even know why. 

here he is 

in my life for the years, years years

and i can’t let go. i can never let go. 

i try so hard and i tell myself, 

you can do better 

that feeling in your stomach is telling you no. 

yet– 

my heart throbs uncontrollably and pulls me forward, ties a noose round my neck 

and forces me to him every time. 

i am not in control. 

i love him so, and yet i will never fully have him–his eyes are laid elsewhere–and he can’t see what’s in front of him.

There is my home, 
that is not my home. things left unspoken, ties breaking, tensions simmering below the surface. 
things we feel but cannot say. we 

look 

at each other 
and a million messages float 
through 
the 
air, 

but never reach the other side. a single fire let loose, and it cannot be contained 

it burns slowly 
and 
gradually, almost that we cannot see it until it’s too late. 

she will not listen. 

and their tears flow 
unrestrained and i stand, 

caught in the middle, 

unable to comprehend. it’s too early to deal with things like these. one side tries to reach across, but 
it's thwarted. 

always, 
reality just cuts through everything you ever thought you had. 
and 
you’re broken. 
it’s not yours. 
you’re not in control of what happens. 
it just does. 

There is the place i thought i was 

safe 

but no more. 
he’s gone. 
the one i went to, the one i spoke to, the one with whom i could close my eyes and feel his presence and not be afraid. 
i struggle to look at the place now. 
i can’t be in the room and not 
feel the memories. 
i can’t be in the vicinity and not remember 

what could have been. 

i can’t stand there 

up on that stage 

and look down at our dwindling numbers, fading fading 
and not see how we crumble. 

what are we? 

no 
more. 
i cannot bear it and i am here for a while longer, but 
my companions? 
true, there are few, but 

what of them? 

they will be here for the 
rest 
of their lives, 
dealing with the same problems 

again and again, 

facing opposition 

over and over again, 

unable to reach a compromise, hearing venomous words in a place that’s proclaimed clean.

what are we? 

we are nothing. 
we are helpless. 
and i’m a single speck among so many others, smaller than some, larger than some, but suffering all the same. and in the end, we are nothing, because nobody will stop to help.

they leave me for dead.