Sunday, March 30, 2014

they leave me for dead.

There is a boy who has taken everything from me, 
laid me bare, shown me to the world for who i am, allowed me to rebuild myself, 
and then torn me back down again. 
he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. 
i do everything for him and i love him i love him 
i love him 
so much and 
i don’t even know why. 
here he is 
in my life for the years, years years
and i can’t let go. i can never let go. 
i try so hard and i tell myself, 
you can do better 
that feeling in your stomach is telling you no. 
my heart throbs uncontrollably and pulls me forward, ties a noose round my neck 
and forces me to him every time. 
i am not in control. 
i love him so, and yet i will never fully have him–his eyes are laid elsewhere–and he can’t see what’s in front of him.
There is my home, 
that is not my home. things left unspoken, ties breaking, tensions simmering below the surface. 
things we feel but cannot say. we 
at each other 
and a million messages float 
but never reach the other side. a single fire let loose, and it cannot be contained 
it burns slowly 
gradually, almost that we cannot see it until it’s too late. 
she will not listen. 
and their tears flow 
unrestrained and i stand, 
caught in the middle, 
unable to comprehend. it’s too early to deal with things like these. one side tries to reach across, but 
it's thwarted. 
reality just cuts through everything you ever thought you had. 
you’re broken. 
it’s not yours. 
you’re not in control of what happens. 
it just does. 
There is the place i thought i was 
but no more. 
he’s gone. 
the one i went to, the one i spoke to, the one with whom i could close my eyes and feel his presence and not be afraid. 
i struggle to look at the place now. 
i can’t be in the room and not 
feel the memories. 
i can’t be in the vicinity and not remember 
what could have been. 
i can’t stand there 
up on that stage 
and look down at our dwindling numbers, fading fading 
and not see how we crumble. 
what are we? 
i cannot bear it and i am here for a while longer, but 
my companions? 
true, there are few, but 
what of them? 
they will be here for the 
of their lives, 
dealing with the same problems 
again and again, 
facing opposition 
over and over again, 
unable to reach a compromise, hearing venomous words in a place that’s proclaimed clean.
what are we? 
we are nothing. 
we are helpless. 
and i’m a single speck among so many others, smaller than some, larger than some, but suffering all the same. and in the end, we are nothing, because nobody will stop to help.
they leave me for dead.

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